9 April 2021. This was the sunset I saw on June 21st, 2018. My brother had just died, but I had not yet known. When I saw this sunset, my insides burst with some type of inexplicable joy. My whole family was so mesmerized by this sunset, that we all went outside to just stare at it.
Little did I know that my brother, Dilan, likely lit up the sky like this, having just ascended to heaven upon his untimely passing at age 22.
His 25th birthday would have been/was yesterday, April 8th. Oddly enough, this happened to be a day where we also held a moment of silence for my biochemistry professor who passed. He had just taught throughout my last medical school semester, which was also my first semester. He was an incredible professor who reinvigorated my passion for biochem. I know this sounds like a normal scenario, but in med school I’ve actually found that the opposite is often the case– in that subjects I enjoyed previously suddenly became somewhat torturous. Usually because the teaching felt unnecessarily complex. Dr. Block was one of those rare professor who taught in such a way that his lecture material was easily comprehensible; he clearly wanted his students to do well and go far. I will forever be grateful to him and for him, for his guidance and support. I feel so lucky that I had the chance to personally connect with him at the level of a mutual, innate passion.
The greater part of me is celebrating the lives of these two beautiful souls who impacted so many people during their time on Earth; people through whom their legacies live on.
But… something in me cracked (open?) today. I wish I could put into words how I feel, but all I can do is make a futile attempt. I spent most of the day smiling, so grateful for these two who’ve expanded my perspective on the meaning of life itself; who’ve taught me that perhaps there is more to this Universe than the physical form.. yet I broke down during my biochem professor’s moment of silence yesterday evening. When it was soon followed by my brother’s moment of silence/birthday celebration Zoom, I felt something crack inside of me. My extended family and I (~15 of us) each shared 1 quick memory of Dilan that we carry with us to this day– I will edit this post shortly to include what each person said. Anyway, I somehow kept it together during the Zoom. In fact, I truly enjoyed seeing everyone and recalling all of these incredible memories of the beautiful human my brother was.
And then I was all alone, with pictures of him all over my room, at every age, and I fell to my knees and could not control the tears that poured out of my eyes out of nowhere. The memories flooded back; how my mother used to scream to the skies after he passed, “come back, please Dilly come back” and how I saw my dad cry even though he had always been my primary image of strength; how I bottled everything in because I poured my heart and soul into making my family happy again.
I’d come to a place recently where my self-talk became so negative. But as I let myself remember more about the past last night, I realized how I was to be able to completely mask my pain in the hope of helping my parents– an attempt that I now know was 100% successful. So, I mentioned that something within me cracked (open) today– I let myself, for the first time in so long, completely break down. I know this probably sounds like major ~sad girl~ vibes, but it was nothing like that. It felt so liberating. I was supposed to study for my 3 upcoming exams today, and what I ended up doing instead was talking to my brother instead- for hours and hours and hours, until I felt like I finally understood. Again, it’s so hard to put into words the shift that occurred inside me today. All I can say is that I suddenly have faith that life goes beyond the physical world (…coming from a former atheist, by the way).
And that I’m going to improve my tennis game so fucking much so that when I get to be with Dil again, I might actually score ONE WHOLE FREAKIN’ POINT AGAINST HIM!
Dr. Block, and Dil, – Rest In Paradise ❤
Med for the Mind 